Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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