no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
