Buhtt sex?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
