I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I am midnight drunk by noon
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
