So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
