I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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