Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
