Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
