They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
