9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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