What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
