saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize