i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
did i walk over a car last night?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
