If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
