Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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