Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
