I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize