then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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