The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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