After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
