overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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