My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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