I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Everyone says I win the strip club
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
