Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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