I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
