Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Randomize
