haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
