Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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