So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
