Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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