Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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