as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
