I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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