i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
