Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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