sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
