someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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