we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dicks are not precious.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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