the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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