May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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