how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
