If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
