then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
