Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
