the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize