On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
