btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
