david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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