What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
