I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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