Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
