i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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