I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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