When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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