When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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