What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
