did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
