I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
