I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
