I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
