I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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