this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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