Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize