all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
