i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
