Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
