Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
