She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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