FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
